The morning before my first marathon, my retrospective words spilled out of my mind and into a letter, in which I had hoped that my emotions and thoughts would not only give my respects to those who had conquered that distance in a race, but also serve as a testament to my desires and successes in refocusing my life. What I received in response to my letter not only humbled me but will remain with me as motivation to continue my journey of self respect.
On the heels of my letter going into the marathon, I received a few motivational quotes the morning of the race that were more than appropriate. The first of which simply read:
"We are different, in essence, from other men.
If you want to win something, run 100 meters.
If you want to experience something, run a marathon."
-Emil Zatopek
I found this quote so appropriate because I was in search of exactly that, an experience. I believe in the philosophy that what people become in life is not dictated by their experiences, rather what they have learned from those experiences and how they apply that education. Some things that we experience give us an instant knowledge; while others take years to unravel their lessons. In the previous fourteen months, one thing that I had discovered was that mirrors are the cause of a considerable amount self deceit. For some, these creations yield unforgiving truths that promote self loathing and self doubt. While for others, they permit an ego to run rampant, without concern for others. Of course, these are the extremes of the habitual daily confirmation of coordinating colors, but their constant reuse can and will develop thoughts that are simply not factual.
For years I looked into them. I convinced myself that I was not good enough. At a very young age, I convinced myself that I was much larger than I was at the time. Through their use, I labeled myself the typical “fat kid”, who becomes the class clown, using humor and sarcasm to deflect his own self image. I looked into the mirror long enough that my body slowly became the image that I had already believed it to be all those years. As my body filled into my self-image, in an effort of accepting myself, I began to convince myself that I was not as big as I had become. In retrospect, the years in front of the mirror had taken one lie and created another. Fortunately, I did not allow for that continued deceit. It took me thirty-two years to know without question that I appreciate who I am without regard for the reflective glass in my closet.
With that realization, I began to take my life and my body back. That action began a journey that reached another summit that late October Sunday. On brink of that event, I received another quote that had a profound meaning to me as well:
On the heels of my letter going into the marathon, I received a few motivational quotes the morning of the race that were more than appropriate. The first of which simply read:
"We are different, in essence, from other men.
If you want to win something, run 100 meters.
If you want to experience something, run a marathon."
-Emil Zatopek
I found this quote so appropriate because I was in search of exactly that, an experience. I believe in the philosophy that what people become in life is not dictated by their experiences, rather what they have learned from those experiences and how they apply that education. Some things that we experience give us an instant knowledge; while others take years to unravel their lessons. In the previous fourteen months, one thing that I had discovered was that mirrors are the cause of a considerable amount self deceit. For some, these creations yield unforgiving truths that promote self loathing and self doubt. While for others, they permit an ego to run rampant, without concern for others. Of course, these are the extremes of the habitual daily confirmation of coordinating colors, but their constant reuse can and will develop thoughts that are simply not factual.
For years I looked into them. I convinced myself that I was not good enough. At a very young age, I convinced myself that I was much larger than I was at the time. Through their use, I labeled myself the typical “fat kid”, who becomes the class clown, using humor and sarcasm to deflect his own self image. I looked into the mirror long enough that my body slowly became the image that I had already believed it to be all those years. As my body filled into my self-image, in an effort of accepting myself, I began to convince myself that I was not as big as I had become. In retrospect, the years in front of the mirror had taken one lie and created another. Fortunately, I did not allow for that continued deceit. It took me thirty-two years to know without question that I appreciate who I am without regard for the reflective glass in my closet.
With that realization, I began to take my life and my body back. That action began a journey that reached another summit that late October Sunday. On brink of that event, I received another quote that had a profound meaning to me as well:
"Now go run like the bad ass you are!"
-Michael Williams
As of that Sunday, a ‘bad ass’ is exactly what I had come to trust had lived inside me all of this time. Over thirty years of my mind believing differently, it was hard to imagine that I could overcome my lack of confidence in such a short period of time. Yet I attempted to surface my inner self in fourteen short months. With the years of doubt in tow, I set out to experience and learn of a number. A number I had only heard, with determination to rid my mind of the created self-image by putting my trust in my inner being that I had continued to uncover.
As of that Sunday, a ‘bad ass’ is exactly what I had come to trust had lived inside me all of this time. Over thirty years of my mind believing differently, it was hard to imagine that I could overcome my lack of confidence in such a short period of time. Yet I attempted to surface my inner self in fourteen short months. With the years of doubt in tow, I set out to experience and learn of a number. A number I had only heard, with determination to rid my mind of the created self-image by putting my trust in my inner being that I had continued to uncover.
This past October, on the eve of my first marathon I wrote a letter expressing my emotions leading up to an event that would change my life forever. A portion of that letter read,
"You hear a number. 26.2. You can respect the number, but until you experience that number, you can’t understand that number. Tomorrow I will learn of that number and in doing so I anticipate that I will learn a lot about myself and the others in my life that have experienced that number."
A 26.2 mile experience is exactly what I had received and a lesson was delivered. Now on the brink of my second marathon I will see exactly what I learned from that experience...
Marcus, I am thinking about you and how far you have come. You have worked so hard. Have a great run today! I love you.
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